Please Excuse the rant i must express to keep my sanity. It helps to write out what’s wrong and pretend I’m not writing it to myself but to the public..but really I’m the one that will reread and reread. My spelling is atrocious.
I have that sinking feeling again. It doesn’t really go away anymore. I don’t understand my mother. WHen I was younger I was so resfectful and obbedient and scared. Now I see through all of her lies and matipulation. I know she loves me and would never want to hurt me, but then she just goes nuts and does unbearable things and she will never ever stop. She’s a “victim”. Everyone is hurting her, but she will never take responsibility for hurting anyone else. There’s a pattern- her mother, father, sister and brother can’t stand her. They love her, but cannot spend more then a day with her. ANd that’s because she just goes on and on with the past, she blames and she victimizing herself and hurts everyone else. No doubt her family hasn’t done some bad things, but all humans do! She just goes way to far. She’ll never let go off anything. And in her mind everything is intentional. It dosen’t surprise me why my dad cheated on her. As horrible as it is, she’s unbearable. I understand why he hit her too. She says such horrible horrible things. He never should have. But the other day she was telling me how horrible I am. Let me paint a picture. I had recieved 100 dollars from her boyfriend. She “lost” the check. I suggested it was intentional. She conviently found it and tore it up in my face. This is two months after my car was crashed into and we recieved 1600. I wanted 500 to put into my savings account, she aggreed. I never saw any of it. Its not the principal of the money, its the principal that I was expecting that money to pay bills, gas etc. and it wasn’t coming making me go into dept by 200. Thanks. But the point is,we got in a fight about this check. Which turned into her insulting me- ” Your a slut, smoker, druggie.” ” You’re a bitch and I hate who you are” ” You’re a liar, you’re immature, you’re stupid” ” Your scholarship means nothing” . That’s all good and well. Im use to that. However, I did lose it. For 18 years every time i see my mother there is a mention of how my father is a horrible person, my stepmother is a slut ( she kinda is) and my sister is a discusting beast. I can’t have photos of my sister anywhere- god forbid my mother finds them. Anyways, my mother stands at my door telling me she is going to revoke my scholarship…because she thinks she has the power to do so. And I deserve that treat over my head because remember, I’m a horrible person and need to be fearful of what she can do…anyways I lost it when again she said ” It hurts me because you and your brother put your father on a peddlestool”. I haven’t talked to my dad in a month. What hurts- I stand up for this woman in front of my brother, father and her family. In front of my boyfriend that absoultly hates her guts. And my mother is just is some sort of denial.
The fight turned into her telling me how horrible my boyfriend, Trenton, is. He’s to poor to go to a university. He’s going to Mira Costa. He doesn’t know what he wants to do. Probably a manager or buisness owner. Something where he is the boss. He’s smart and he has good ideas. He just smokes a lot of weed and he’s really pessimistic and depressed. He cant find much to be happy about. He has potential. But he’s giving up it seems..but when he gets that fire up his ass…someone throws water on it…and then its gone for a couple of months. He might have a seretonin deficiency…just one more thing he has to deal with. I love him. I do. I just can’t deal with him being so sad all the time. It always feels like he’s mad at me. And it seems like he dosen’t care about me the way I care about him. The problem is I got drunk last night. I wanted to escape thoughts about my mum and go numb..that dosent sound like alchoholism does it? Anyhow I think I might have hurt him. I told him in a drunken slur that no one cares about me including him. And now he’s short with me. He’s annoyed if I call. He dosne’t want to make dinner. And now i feel regretful. I can’t tell if its his depression or my insecurity or both. I just wish he could be strong for me and just hug me. Everything would be so much better if he could put a smile on. Because elephants make everyone smile. And I should make him smile. But the only smilies i see are drunken ones.
This empty feeling gets bigger and bigger. I can’t talk to my mother is a sweet and loving tone. I talk to her like I hate her. And it hurts her. Its my defense. I can’t let down that barrier.
I have this fight in my head. Am I the person I am because my mother taught me everything she knows? Or am I the way I am in spite of my mother?
How can I make Trenton happy? What would make him happy? Can I even do what he needs?
Maybe the month away from him will give him the space he needs to figure himself out. I just hope that wont end up being another Shelby heartbreak where Trenton realizes that the space away from me was quite amazing and he just ends our relationship. I’m to scared.
I want to go to something impulsive.
Dye me hair.
Go to Mexico.
…..
Ideas?
