Elephants make everyone smile

I was Right.

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 15:37:31 -0400

You know when you just KNOW that something is coming. You know there will be a pop quiz, you know the party is going to be bad, you know your about to be let down, you know your friends are doing something bad…you know your parents are up to something..you know your boyfriend is upset..You just know. I always know. I can read most people, and before anybody else can tell, i’ll know that your upset. The thing is, I’ll push you until you tell me. And that’s bad. I need to stop pushing.

But I was right. I did hurt Trenton through my drunken slur. I went to his house straight after work, and the moment I walked through the door I knew he was upset. Hurt. Mad. We began talking and I got a few giggles. But he was still distant. And then I accelerated the converstation by mentioning my drunk episode. He then began to tell me what I said and did. And how he was really hurt that I said he didn’t care about me. And then he made my heart stop. “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. If it means I can’t make you happy and you can’t make me happy then its not good anymore. We’re never going to get married, this relationship needs to end at some point.” Then I just looked off in the distance…

After working in Carlsbad for a year, I would love to carry this...

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 22:39:54 -0400

After working in Carlsbad for a year, I would love to carry this with me and shove it in some rude uptight woman’s face the next time she is rude in my earshot.

Here we go Again.

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 22:28:41 -0400

Please Excuse the rant i must express to keep my sanity. It helps to write out what’s wrong and pretend I’m not writing it to myself but to the public..but really I’m the one that will reread and reread. My spelling is atrocious.

I have that sinking feeling again. It doesn’t really go away anymore. I don’t understand my mother. WHen I was younger I was so resfectful and obbedient and scared. Now I see through all of her lies and matipulation. I know she loves me and would never want to hurt me, but then she just goes nuts and does unbearable things and she will never ever stop. She’s a “victim”. Everyone is hurting her, but she will never take responsibility for hurting anyone else. There’s a pattern- her mother, father, sister and brother can’t stand her. They love her, but cannot spend more then a day with her. ANd that’s because she just goes on and on with the past, she blames and she victimizing herself and hurts everyone else. No doubt her family hasn’t done some bad things, but all humans do! She just goes way to far. She’ll never let go off anything. And in her mind everything is intentional. It dosen’t surprise me why my dad cheated on her. As horrible as it is, she’s unbearable. I understand why he hit her too. She says such horrible horrible things. He never should have. But the other day she was telling me how horrible I am. Let me paint a picture. I had recieved 100 dollars from her boyfriend. She “lost” the check. I suggested it was intentional. She conviently found it and tore it up in my face. This is two months after my car was crashed into and we recieved 1600. I wanted 500 to put into my savings account, she aggreed. I never saw any of it. Its not the principal of the money, its the principal that I was expecting that money to pay bills, gas etc. and it wasn’t coming making me go into dept by 200. Thanks. But the point is,we got in a fight about this check. Which turned into her insulting me- ” Your a slut, smoker, druggie.” ” You’re a bitch and I hate who you are” ” You’re a liar, you’re immature, you’re stupid” ” Your scholarship means nothing” . That’s all good and well. Im use to that. However, I did lose it. For 18 years every time i see my mother there is a mention of how my father is a horrible person, my stepmother is a slut ( she kinda is) and my sister is a discusting beast. I can’t have photos of my sister anywhere- god forbid my mother finds them. Anyways, my mother stands at my door telling me she is going to revoke my scholarship…because she thinks she has the power to do so. And I deserve that treat over my head because remember, I’m a horrible person and need to be fearful of what she can do…anyways I lost it when again she said ” It hurts me because you and your brother put your father on a peddlestool”. I haven’t talked to my dad in a month. What hurts- I stand up for this woman in front of my brother, father and her family. In front of my boyfriend that absoultly hates her guts. And my mother is just is some sort of denial.

The fight turned into her telling me how horrible my boyfriend, Trenton, is. He’s to poor to go to a university. He’s going to Mira Costa. He doesn’t know what he wants to do. Probably a manager or buisness owner. Something where he is the boss. He’s smart and he has good ideas. He just smokes a lot of weed and he’s really pessimistic and depressed. He cant find much to be happy about. He has potential. But he’s giving up it seems..but when he gets that fire up his ass…someone throws water on it…and then its gone for a couple of months. He might have a seretonin deficiency…just one more thing he has to deal with. I love him. I do. I just can’t deal with him being so sad all the time. It always feels like he’s mad at me. And it seems like he dosen’t care about me the way I care about him. The problem is I got drunk last night. I wanted to escape thoughts about my mum and go numb..that dosent sound like alchoholism does it? Anyhow I think I might have hurt him. I told him in a drunken slur that no one cares about me including him. And now he’s short with me. He’s annoyed if I call. He dosne’t want to make dinner. And now i feel regretful. I can’t tell if its his depression or my insecurity or both. I just wish he could be strong for me and just hug me. Everything would be so much better if he could put a smile on. Because elephants make everyone smile. And I should make him smile. But the only smilies i see are drunken ones.

This empty feeling gets bigger and bigger. I can’t talk to my mother is a sweet and loving tone. I talk to her like I hate her. And it hurts her. Its my defense. I can’t let down that barrier.

I have this fight in my head. Am I the person I am because my mother taught me everything she knows? Or am I the way I am in spite of my mother?

How can I make Trenton happy? What would make him happy? Can I even do what he needs?

Maybe the month away from him will give him the space he needs to figure himself out. I just hope that wont end up being another Shelby heartbreak where Trenton realizes that the space away from me was quite amazing and he just ends our relationship. I’m to scared.

I want to go to something impulsive.

Dye me hair.

Go to Mexico.

…..

Ideas?

I need to be impulsive. It helps me feel better when shit sucks....

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 21:56:09 -0400

I need to be impulsive. It helps me feel better when shit sucks. This is a pretty unexpected…maybe Ill just go back to black.

School's out.

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 21:40:27 -0400

And I can’t pick up a book. I can’t bring myself to read anything. I want to read a book by Alan Watts- something that actually might change my life. But i feel tired. lazy. Exhausted. I feel like a burn out. I really hope University won’t do this to me.

"It’s time to get impulsive"

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 21:35:25 -0400

“It’s time to get impulsive”

- ME

"life is beautiful and my friends are my heroes. -me."

Sat, 03 Sep 2011 01:05:00 -0400

“life is beautiful and my friends are my heroes. -me.”

Please people,if you've read your history books, read this!

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 20:45:56 -0400

Please people,if you've read your history books, read this!

Now, this is so amazing. Makes you think about how magnificant...

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 20:39:57 -0400

Now, this is so amazing. Makes you think about how magnificant trees are! Our lives are pretty insignificant to that of a tree.

US courts rule in favor of BP and drops 100,000 lawsuits over Gulf spill. Taxpayers are liable for the clean up. un fucking believable.

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 20:34:00 -0400

US courts rule in favor of BP and drops 100,000 lawsuits over Gulf spill. Taxpayers are liable for the clean up. un fucking believable.

I’m going to go explore this place today. It’s...

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 20:23:36 -0400

I’m going to go explore this place today. It’s called rundle mall in adelaide. Those are called the rundle mall balls. A bit of a metaphour really. Anyways, this place is so beautiful in the winter. I’m going to lose myself here for a couple of hours and soak up all the australian music and food and culture. It’s good to be home. It’s even better to explore it all myself.

This amazingly awesome place is not a mystic farraway...

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 19:52:33 -0400

This amazingly awesome place is not a mystic farraway fantasy… this beach actually exisits. In thailand. New goal: go to thailand. Stay there. On this beach. For a very long time. ..anyone want to join?

This is macho. I adopted him.

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 22:48:22 -0400

This is macho. I adopted him.

He has a beard!

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 22:43:45 -0400

He has a beard!

guess who

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 22:35:17 -0400

guess who

Jade and I in 8th grade on the East Coast trip. so long ago!

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 22:33:08 -0400

Jade and I in 8th grade on the East Coast trip. so long ago!

Ok Ok this one is my favorite!

Thu, 26 May 2011 22:42:49 -0400

Ok Ok this one is my favorite!

Angus and Juila Stone.They help purify your soul. They come...

Thu, 26 May 2011 22:27:00 -0400

Angus and Juila Stone.They help purify your soul. They come from my homeland.

I'm quite dissatisfied

Thu, 26 May 2011 22:24:00 -0400

Every time i finish something, something new jumps out of no where and attacks my ass. If it’s not a million projects for school, its abuse from the wack job woman i have as a mum, or its a combination. And than add on the 60 miles i travel everyday to go to a school full of barbarians. Plus there is literally no money and no food. I have to escape to boyfriend’s house so that i will eat at least once a day. Then add an arm that is always in blistering pain and that i must try to ignore. Oh! and then add kidneys that really don’t want to work properly. And then, with all these issues running through my head, i got to listen to these imbeciles complain about the most minuscule problems. Such as: He doesn’t like me! I have no gas in my BMW that my daddy bought me because i spent it all on booze! I can’t decide which ivy league school i should make my parents pay for! I can’t figure out how to do the least amount of work for the most amount of pay! I can’t figure out the best way to manipulate my parents so they’ll give me a couple hundred so i can fill my materialistic needs to shop endlessly!There are some kids that have a conscience at that school, but the number is less than 60. It just makes me sad that one day they will reproduce. So i sit in class, and i sit in this pit of self pity, frustration and anger and i realize that at least i can see the real beauty in life. At least i want to make a difference. At least i care about people and their feelings. At least I’m not them. Thank god I’m human. And then i can live on, for another day is optimism, until i realize all of this tomorrow. But for now, the sun in shinning, and books need to be read, and coffee is brewing!

Many of you don't know this but in Saudi Arabia its illegal for woman to drive. But there's hope for a revolution!

Thu, 26 May 2011 22:00:33 -0400

Many of you don't know this but in Saudi Arabia its illegal for woman to drive. But there's hope for a revolution!